You, You

Arguments. We all have them. If anyone says that they never argue, I have a word for them…FIBBER. Ha ha. Seriously though, arguments and disagreements are just a part of life, aren’t they? They can even be healthy and clarifying. However, all too often, arguments turn into anger. Once it gets to the anger stage, you are on a slippery slope. It is hard to keep your footing, so to speak, and the situation can devolve quickly.

The key is to manage the argument in a way that is productive. But who has the key, right? Well, there is no magic formula. It is important to try and keep the anger from creeping in. One thing that is helpful in diffusing potential anger is to avoid being a “You, You”. That means not using “you” statements when you argue. Sentences that begin with “You always…” or “You never …” make most people feel attacked. Then the fight or flight impulse kicks in and they get defensive. Your system is saying, “You’re in a battle. Defend yourself!”.

An alternative is to re-frame a criticism from a “you” statement to an “I feel” statement. For example, instead of saying “You always toss you dirty clothes on the floor for me to pick up!” try, “I feel disrespected when you leave your dirty clothes on the floor.” See the difference? Which one would you rather respond to. So instead of being a “You, You”, try building an “I feel” tower instead. (I know my jokes are super corny, but that’s just who I am. That’s why the post pic is the Eiffel tower, lol.”